Change

I haven't written in a long time. I've written stuff in my mind but nothing sounds right or I never seem to have time to do it. But I think the truth is I haven't known how to deal with all the changes I've recently been through. I almost feel like this blog is part of another life. I even considered starting a new one in hopes of starting fresh. But that would just be hiding from the changes and not owning up to my decisions. At the end of the school year, I decided to stop trying to juggle two churches. I decided to just focus on Chris's church. It was getting to hard to be a part of two youth groups and two churches. Things were starting to overlap and it was hard to decide which one to focus on. This was one of the most difficult decisions I've made. I love the kids that I spent time with at Gatlinburg First. I have been struggling with how to deal with all my feelings about them and the sadness I feel about leaving them even though I know it is the right decision. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that those kids gave me more than I could even imagine.
I was always afraid that when it came time to say I love you I would bolt. I never thought I would be able to say those words to a guy. I am not sure why I felt this way. My family says I love you all the time but I had this picture in my mind that when a guy said to me I'd be out the door. So I never said it. I closed myself off to this possibility by dating guys I would never say it to or wouldn't say it to me. But I learned to open myself up to saying I love you from the youth. They have no hesitation is saying to each other and to me. They don't just say it but they mean it. The first mission trip we went on together changed everything for me. I learned from those kids that it was ok for me to just be me and they would love me. They would love me because I loved them and because I spent time with them. On this trip, the kids helped me to see I was closed off. I had closed myself off to everyone even God. It was one youth in particular, that I developed a close bond with. He was open to everyone and a lot of this rubbed off on me. By saying I love you to the youth, it helped me to be ready to say it to a boy. So when Chris came along it was easy to tell him I loved him. He was like these kids. He accepted me for me and encouraged me in Christ just like these kids had done. So with the encouragement from Chris and the youth, I'm starting a new chapter. I'm helping with a new youth group.
I know this is the path that God is leading me to. The decision to start a new church wasn't made lightly. It was made with lots of prayer and reflection. There are still days that I'm sad about not being the kids that had such an impact on me. When I let myself, it hurts that I won't be on a mission trip with them for the summer. But I will always love and care about those kids and our relationships will always be special. That's how it is when you build a relationship around God and his kingdom. I'm not sure they will ever know what they mean to me or the impact they've had on my life. I'll be waiting and watching to see the impact they have on others even if now it is from afar.