"I know the plans I have for you"

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11

I have been struggling for the past month or so with the idea that God has a plan for my life. I know that it is true and I have faith in it. But it isn't going like I thought it would. Part of all this self doubt has to due with men. I hate to admit that but it's true. I need to back up a bit. For most of my adult life, I haven't had any serious relationships. I might date but I find it hard to have relationships when I have been hurt in the past. But for the past year, I decided to be proactive about it. I have been trying online dating. I've tried match.com and eharmony. I've been on quite a lot of dates. The girls in my youth group like to say I throw guys away because I don't stick to one for long. But this summer, I met someone I thought I really liked and it was going somewhere. We dated most of the summer and into the school year. But about a month ago, he broke up with me and I have no idea why. I don't know what happened. To be really honest, it is probably for the best. I was letting my focus from other things, especially God, slide because of this guy. But it got me thinking about the fact that I'm almost 30 and no where near getting married or starting a family. The thing I want most in the world is to be a mom. I don't even really want to be a wife like I want to be a mom. Having my first niece and seeing what a great mom my sister is, just makes me want to be a mom more. I've found myself jealous of friends on facebook who are not having their first baby but having their second, third or fourth babies. Since this guy broke up with me, I've heard a lot of cliches. Like, "there's someone great out there for you," or "You'll meet someone who's right for you." There is no comfort in those words. Maybe there isn't anyone out there for me and maybe that's ok. Maybe God's plan doesn't involve me getting married. I'm ok with that until I realize that maybe that means that I'm not going to be a mother either. I can't stand that thought. I would make a great mother. I have experience with all my kids at school and church. I've known since I was in college that it might be difficult for me to have children the more traditional way. I have some hormone issues that could make it difficult to get pregnant. So I've been prepared to adopt or even being a foster parent. Since I've been having all this doubt about my life, I've been thinking seriously about trying to be a foster parent now. It is something that I'm really struggling with and trying to figure out what God has planned. There is part of me that thinks I shouldn't have to wait on a man to have what I want most. But another part of me wonders if I can do it alone. If it is even fair to a child for me to do it alone. My mom reminded me that I wouldn't be alone. That the child would have a Nana and a Pop that would love them. My parents have already shown me how much they can love a child that isn't their own. They have adopted a former student of mine who doesn't have a mom and goes to our church. Last night, I realized that maybe I already have adopted a child. That this former student needs a mother and already thinks of me as one. I don't know if anyone else has these same struggles with purpose in their lives. I'm guessing they do. We need to be in prayer for each other that we find our way and we find our purpose. I know I could use all the prayers I can get. What are you struggling with in trying to figure out the plans God has for you?