So I've been trying really hard lately to watch my money more closely. I've been trying to save up some money so I can buy a car. I'm terrified mine is going to break down any day now. This is not easy for me. I love to spend money.
I also have been thinking a lot about all the stuff I have and how I don't really need new things. I love to buy new things for not just me but for other people too. I have been trying to use up all the many varieties of shampoo I have under my cabinet and the make up I've bought and didn't use before buying anything new. This is especially difficult in light of the holiday "Black Friday." For the past few years, my sister and I have gone shopping on this fantastic shopping holiday. I try to Christmas shop but I end up just shopping for myself. They have the best deals. I set aside some money for black Friday shopping and really planned on sticking to budget.
First stop was Target, I did pretty well. I bought one sweater for myself and did some Christmas shopping. I was feeling pretty good about it all. In past years, I would have bought the sweater in multiple colors and a couple of other great deals in the clothing department. Next stop was Old Navy. I wanted a pair of jeans because of my recent weight gain, I only had a couple of pairs that fit and they were on sale for $15. Well, the deals at Old Navy were amazing. Before I knew it, I had picked up 2 dresses, several sweaters, a skirt, a couple of tank tops with bling on them and the pair of jeans I went in for. I narrowed it down to a reasonable, 1 sweater, 1 dress, 1 skirt and 1 pair of jeans. I was really proud of myself. We went shoe shopping and to the mall after this and I didn't buy a thing. It helped that my sister bought me the rain boots I wanted for Christmas.
At the mall this time of year, there are angel trees set up all over the place. They are sponsored by the Salvation Army with the wants and needs of children and senior citizens. My sister and I were looking at the requests as we waited for someone to finish looking in another store. As I looked at these simple requests, like underwear and pajamas and coloring books and art supplies. Tears started to fill my eyes. (I absolutely hate crying in public so I of course would have denied that I was crying at all.) I have so much. I don't need one single new thing for Christmas or to buy myself. I started to feel so guilty for the money that I spent on myself. I got two requests off the angel tree and I felt a little better. But as I was loading my stuff back in my car to go home, the guilt took over. I found myself driving to Old Navy and taking back everything that I bought there. It just felt like the right thing for me to do.
I don't say this to toot my own horn. I felt pretty awful the whole way around. I felt awful about having all this stuff I don't need and I felt awful taking it back. I really liked my new clothes. Like I said, I love shopping. I cried the whole way home and I'm not sure I was crying because of those that don't have things or because of the things I was took back.
One of the ways, I've been trying to motivate myself to spend less is by reading books about money. I know you can't read a book and make magic happen. But I was reading Adam Hamilton's book Enough. It's a short, easy read if you are interested in the topic. It was good for me to read the Biblical perspective on this whole concept. He quotes a lot of scripture. So much so, it is almost too hard to remember any of it. But the biggest thing I took from the book was being content with the things we have and realizing that fulfillment will only come through God, not the amount of stuff that we have. I'm trying to keep this in mind this holiday season. He offers some key tags to help remind you of this. It has this prayer on it:
"Lord, help me to be grateful for what I have, to remember that I don't need most of what I want, and that joy is found in simplicity and generosity." Adam Hamilton, Enough.
The holidays are one of those times I think we forget that joy is found in simplicity and generosity. I hope that your holidays are filled with joy and not stress and running around getting more stuff.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
"I know the plans I have for you"
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. - Jeremiah 29:11
I have been struggling for the past month or so with the idea that God has a plan for my life. I know that it is true and I have faith in it. But it isn't going like I thought it would. Part of all this self doubt has to due with men. I hate to admit that but it's true. I need to back up a bit. For most of my adult life, I haven't had any serious relationships. I might date but I find it hard to have relationships when I have been hurt in the past. But for the past year, I decided to be proactive about it. I have been trying online dating. I've tried match.com and eharmony. I've been on quite a lot of dates. The girls in my youth group like to say I throw guys away because I don't stick to one for long. But this summer, I met someone I thought I really liked and it was going somewhere. We dated most of the summer and into the school year. But about a month ago, he broke up with me and I have no idea why. I don't know what happened. To be really honest, it is probably for the best. I was letting my focus from other things, especially God, slide because of this guy. But it got me thinking about the fact that I'm almost 30 and no where near getting married or starting a family. The thing I want most in the world is to be a mom. I don't even really want to be a wife like I want to be a mom. Having my first niece and seeing what a great mom my sister is, just makes me want to be a mom more. I've found myself jealous of friends on facebook who are not having their first baby but having their second, third or fourth babies. Since this guy broke up with me, I've heard a lot of cliches. Like, "there's someone great out there for you," or "You'll meet someone who's right for you." There is no comfort in those words. Maybe there isn't anyone out there for me and maybe that's ok. Maybe God's plan doesn't involve me getting married. I'm ok with that until I realize that maybe that means that I'm not going to be a mother either. I can't stand that thought. I would make a great mother. I have experience with all my kids at school and church. I've known since I was in college that it might be difficult for me to have children the more traditional way. I have some hormone issues that could make it difficult to get pregnant. So I've been prepared to adopt or even being a foster parent. Since I've been having all this doubt about my life, I've been thinking seriously about trying to be a foster parent now. It is something that I'm really struggling with and trying to figure out what God has planned. There is part of me that thinks I shouldn't have to wait on a man to have what I want most. But another part of me wonders if I can do it alone. If it is even fair to a child for me to do it alone. My mom reminded me that I wouldn't be alone. That the child would have a Nana and a Pop that would love them. My parents have already shown me how much they can love a child that isn't their own. They have adopted a former student of mine who doesn't have a mom and goes to our church. Last night, I realized that maybe I already have adopted a child. That this former student needs a mother and already thinks of me as one. I don't know if anyone else has these same struggles with purpose in their lives. I'm guessing they do. We need to be in prayer for each other that we find our way and we find our purpose. I know I could use all the prayers I can get. What are you struggling with in trying to figure out the plans God has for you?
I have been struggling for the past month or so with the idea that God has a plan for my life. I know that it is true and I have faith in it. But it isn't going like I thought it would. Part of all this self doubt has to due with men. I hate to admit that but it's true. I need to back up a bit. For most of my adult life, I haven't had any serious relationships. I might date but I find it hard to have relationships when I have been hurt in the past. But for the past year, I decided to be proactive about it. I have been trying online dating. I've tried match.com and eharmony. I've been on quite a lot of dates. The girls in my youth group like to say I throw guys away because I don't stick to one for long. But this summer, I met someone I thought I really liked and it was going somewhere. We dated most of the summer and into the school year. But about a month ago, he broke up with me and I have no idea why. I don't know what happened. To be really honest, it is probably for the best. I was letting my focus from other things, especially God, slide because of this guy. But it got me thinking about the fact that I'm almost 30 and no where near getting married or starting a family. The thing I want most in the world is to be a mom. I don't even really want to be a wife like I want to be a mom. Having my first niece and seeing what a great mom my sister is, just makes me want to be a mom more. I've found myself jealous of friends on facebook who are not having their first baby but having their second, third or fourth babies. Since this guy broke up with me, I've heard a lot of cliches. Like, "there's someone great out there for you," or "You'll meet someone who's right for you." There is no comfort in those words. Maybe there isn't anyone out there for me and maybe that's ok. Maybe God's plan doesn't involve me getting married. I'm ok with that until I realize that maybe that means that I'm not going to be a mother either. I can't stand that thought. I would make a great mother. I have experience with all my kids at school and church. I've known since I was in college that it might be difficult for me to have children the more traditional way. I have some hormone issues that could make it difficult to get pregnant. So I've been prepared to adopt or even being a foster parent. Since I've been having all this doubt about my life, I've been thinking seriously about trying to be a foster parent now. It is something that I'm really struggling with and trying to figure out what God has planned. There is part of me that thinks I shouldn't have to wait on a man to have what I want most. But another part of me wonders if I can do it alone. If it is even fair to a child for me to do it alone. My mom reminded me that I wouldn't be alone. That the child would have a Nana and a Pop that would love them. My parents have already shown me how much they can love a child that isn't their own. They have adopted a former student of mine who doesn't have a mom and goes to our church. Last night, I realized that maybe I already have adopted a child. That this former student needs a mother and already thinks of me as one. I don't know if anyone else has these same struggles with purpose in their lives. I'm guessing they do. We need to be in prayer for each other that we find our way and we find our purpose. I know I could use all the prayers I can get. What are you struggling with in trying to figure out the plans God has for you?
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Mean Girls
Last week, one of my friends and I went to see Legally Blonde, musical. It was loads of fun and definitely a girls night. Or as we like to call it Sarah and Kerri's Date night. We had dinner before hand at Cafe 4 really close to the theater. There were lots of other women there on a date night before going to see the play. If you're familiar with the movie Legally Blonde, than you're familiar with the musical. It was the same only with music and maybe a little more humor. There's a part in the beginning where the main character, Elle Woods isn't prepared for class. When the professor asks a fellow female classmate what should happen to her, the girl says she would kick her out. Elle's response was we girls need to stick together. Something about the scene stuck with me. I was surrounded by many women of different backgrounds and ages enjoying this girls night. It got me thinking that yes we girls need to stick together. We need to launch an attack on all mean girls. And we've all been a mean girl at some point in our lives. It saddens me to think that it starts young and continues on into adult hood even though we think of it as only a teenage girl problem.
Later that evening, I got a voice mail from a good friend who has a daughter in second grade. The second grader is one of my most favorite children. She's sweet, smart, inquisitive and sensitive. I've never seen her be mean to anyone (except for maybe her younger brother). My friend was concerned because her 7 year old daughter was experiencing mean girls in second grade. Another little girl was ignoring her each time she tried to play with her on the playground. My friend was wanting to know if I had witnessed any of this on the playground and wasn't really sure what to do. Sure enough, the next day, the girl came and hugged me for a good five minutes. She was having trouble finding someone to play with and it broke my heart.
I'm sure that there are mean girls in your life even as an adult and I'm sure that there are moments when you are a mean girl. I know that I have my mean girl moments even when I try not to. This past week was a reminder to me that we need to encourage our young girls to stick together and we need to stick together. I try really hard to be a good role model for the girls that I come into contact with. My students at school and the youth at church. Two Sundays ago, I realized I have another important role model position as an aunt. My niece, Sophie, was christened on October 24th. As my sister and brother in law stood before the church and promised to raise Sophie in a christian environment, the church promised to support that family. I realized that I was promising to be a good christian woman role model for my niece. I look up to my aunts and the women in my life and Sophie is going to do the same. So starting with myself, I'm going to try to watch my tongue and try not to say disparaging things but only things that lift others. Together we can eliminate mean girls.
Ephesians 4: 29 - Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Later that evening, I got a voice mail from a good friend who has a daughter in second grade. The second grader is one of my most favorite children. She's sweet, smart, inquisitive and sensitive. I've never seen her be mean to anyone (except for maybe her younger brother). My friend was concerned because her 7 year old daughter was experiencing mean girls in second grade. Another little girl was ignoring her each time she tried to play with her on the playground. My friend was wanting to know if I had witnessed any of this on the playground and wasn't really sure what to do. Sure enough, the next day, the girl came and hugged me for a good five minutes. She was having trouble finding someone to play with and it broke my heart.
I'm sure that there are mean girls in your life even as an adult and I'm sure that there are moments when you are a mean girl. I know that I have my mean girl moments even when I try not to. This past week was a reminder to me that we need to encourage our young girls to stick together and we need to stick together. I try really hard to be a good role model for the girls that I come into contact with. My students at school and the youth at church. Two Sundays ago, I realized I have another important role model position as an aunt. My niece, Sophie, was christened on October 24th. As my sister and brother in law stood before the church and promised to raise Sophie in a christian environment, the church promised to support that family. I realized that I was promising to be a good christian woman role model for my niece. I look up to my aunts and the women in my life and Sophie is going to do the same. So starting with myself, I'm going to try to watch my tongue and try not to say disparaging things but only things that lift others. Together we can eliminate mean girls.
Ephesians 4: 29 - Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
The least of these
One of my favorite scriptures is Matthew 25:34-40. In this scripture, Jesus talks about doing for the least of these is the same as doing for him. I love this because to me it says that we are to care for others whether we like them or not. We are to care for others whether we agree with their choices or not. The difficult part of this scripture is figuring out who the least of these are. Usually when I read this scripture I think of the least of these being the poor people in the world that are not as fortunate as me. But I think we are all the least of these at some point in our lives. There are times in our lives where we are needy, sick, imprisoned, hungry or thirsty.
This idea came to me after taking food to friend who has cancer. I say this not to pat myself on the shoulder for doing something good but because this friend having cancer has impacted so many of the lives that I work with. It has shown me a different side of these people. In the spring, when a fellow teacher was diagnosed with cancer, my school came together. We had this amazing faculty meeting where everyone got involved in figuring out ways to help her. By emailing, sending cards, texts, taking food, and taking her to the doctor. There wasn't a person in the room who didn't have a part in this. God was present at this school in this faculty meeting. We ended the meeting in prayer. It was amazing. The whole group held hands and prayed. Yes we were praying for healing for another teacher but we all were healed from this prayer. We have continued to be healed and strengthened in this experience. It makes me so proud to be a part of a faculty that comes through for another person. I am in awe of the God that I serve. He is providing healing for this friend and he is providing strength for the rest of us. When I left the teacher's house, she told me that our prayers and actions were lifting her up. The thing that I thought of instantly was this scripture. I thought about how much it lifted me up to take her food and to visit with her. We are all healed through feeding the hungry, giving clothes to the naked, giving water to the thirsty, inviting the stranger in, visiting the sick.
I encourage you to look for those who are the least of these and offer them a hand. By providing for them, you are being the light that we're called to be.
Matthew 25:34-40
This idea came to me after taking food to friend who has cancer. I say this not to pat myself on the shoulder for doing something good but because this friend having cancer has impacted so many of the lives that I work with. It has shown me a different side of these people. In the spring, when a fellow teacher was diagnosed with cancer, my school came together. We had this amazing faculty meeting where everyone got involved in figuring out ways to help her. By emailing, sending cards, texts, taking food, and taking her to the doctor. There wasn't a person in the room who didn't have a part in this. God was present at this school in this faculty meeting. We ended the meeting in prayer. It was amazing. The whole group held hands and prayed. Yes we were praying for healing for another teacher but we all were healed from this prayer. We have continued to be healed and strengthened in this experience. It makes me so proud to be a part of a faculty that comes through for another person. I am in awe of the God that I serve. He is providing healing for this friend and he is providing strength for the rest of us. When I left the teacher's house, she told me that our prayers and actions were lifting her up. The thing that I thought of instantly was this scripture. I thought about how much it lifted me up to take her food and to visit with her. We are all healed through feeding the hungry, giving clothes to the naked, giving water to the thirsty, inviting the stranger in, visiting the sick.
I encourage you to look for those who are the least of these and offer them a hand. By providing for them, you are being the light that we're called to be.
Matthew 25:34-40
34"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'
37"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'
40"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Wearing pink to raise awareness?
This isn't my usual topic of blogging but it is on my mind this month since it is breast cancer awareness month. If I offend anyone, I apologize ahead of time. That is not my intentions.
Breast cancer awareness month gets under my skin. The whole idea of wearing pink and buying pink things drives me crazy. I have nothing against breast cancer. My heart hurts for all those who are battling it or have family members that are battling it or have lost that battle. But what does wearing pink do? I think that most Americans are aware of breast cancer now. I applaud those people who are encouraging early detection as opposed to awareness. That's where our focus should be now. I saw on the news about a radio station who was providing mammograms for the first 107 people who came. That is wonderful. I honestly am not going to do a self exam because the NFL is wearing pink shoes or wristbands. I'm not going to do a self exam because the White House is lit pink for a night. I will do a self exam when I actually learn how to do it. I would like to see a Breast Cancer event where women are taught explicitly how to do a self exam. I don't know how to do one. I have looked at the countless diagrams in magazines and the thing you hang in the shower. But I still don't feel like I know how to do one. (Side note: I did find a video on the Susan G. Komen website that showed how to do a self exam.) Early detection is the key to preventing breast cancer.
I think it is time to move past the breast cancer awareness stage and start making people aware of other terrible diseases and types of cancer. I have a personal stake in this. My uncle died three years ago from ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease). This is a horrible disease that I knew nothing about until I was affected by it. Since I've been affected by it, I have met other people that have been touched by this horrible disease. There is no cure and no real treatment for it. This is a disease that needs awareness.
There are many different kinds of cancer besides breast cancer that need awareness. We all are affected by disease of some kind. It is important for us to remember that wearing pink or changing our facebook status is not a cure. It isn't even anything but a way to make ourselves feel better. If we want to do something for these diseases, participate in walk or races that raise money.
I want to encourage you to join me in learning how to do a self breast exam and then to do it each month. The only way we can put a dent in breast cancer is early detection.
Breast cancer awareness month gets under my skin. The whole idea of wearing pink and buying pink things drives me crazy. I have nothing against breast cancer. My heart hurts for all those who are battling it or have family members that are battling it or have lost that battle. But what does wearing pink do? I think that most Americans are aware of breast cancer now. I applaud those people who are encouraging early detection as opposed to awareness. That's where our focus should be now. I saw on the news about a radio station who was providing mammograms for the first 107 people who came. That is wonderful. I honestly am not going to do a self exam because the NFL is wearing pink shoes or wristbands. I'm not going to do a self exam because the White House is lit pink for a night. I will do a self exam when I actually learn how to do it. I would like to see a Breast Cancer event where women are taught explicitly how to do a self exam. I don't know how to do one. I have looked at the countless diagrams in magazines and the thing you hang in the shower. But I still don't feel like I know how to do one. (Side note: I did find a video on the Susan G. Komen website that showed how to do a self exam.) Early detection is the key to preventing breast cancer.
I think it is time to move past the breast cancer awareness stage and start making people aware of other terrible diseases and types of cancer. I have a personal stake in this. My uncle died three years ago from ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease). This is a horrible disease that I knew nothing about until I was affected by it. Since I've been affected by it, I have met other people that have been touched by this horrible disease. There is no cure and no real treatment for it. This is a disease that needs awareness.
There are many different kinds of cancer besides breast cancer that need awareness. We all are affected by disease of some kind. It is important for us to remember that wearing pink or changing our facebook status is not a cure. It isn't even anything but a way to make ourselves feel better. If we want to do something for these diseases, participate in walk or races that raise money.
I want to encourage you to join me in learning how to do a self breast exam and then to do it each month. The only way we can put a dent in breast cancer is early detection.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Weighty Issues
Being a woman in today’s culture is difficult. I actually think being a woman has always been difficult. One of the challenges we face in today’s media and celebrity centered culture is body image. I have always tried to not succumb to what the world tells me is beautiful and normal. But I’ve also never really had to struggle with weight or any of those kinds of challenges. As I’ve gotten older, it has gotten more challenging. Several years ago, I lost a lot of weight. I dropped from a size 8 to a size 4 in a matter of months. I didn’t try to lose the weight. I think it was just the stress of this new life I was making for myself. I loved being a size 4. I felt so pretty and thin. I was able to wear anything and not look fat or even question how I looked. (Don’t hate me. I promise I’m going somewhere with this).
Well last winter I started to notice that those size 4s weren’t fitting that great anymore. I started exercising more regularly and trying to eat better. I liked being a size 4 and didn’t want to give that up. But I just kept gaining weight rather than losing any weight. As I turned 29 this past summer, I discovered that I could no longer eat anything I wanted and wearing a size 4 was out of the question. But it was ok because I was a size 6. I told myself that I wasn’t suppose to be a size 4 anyway. A size 6 was more healthy anyway. Well as it’s gotten cooler and I’ve had to put my jeans on, I discovered I couldn’t fit into one pair of my jeans. I cried as I realized that I have gained weight. My mom and I went shopping so I could find some jeans I could wear. I had to wear a size 10. I’m not happy about that. I don’t want to be a size 10. So I’m back to doing weight watchers and counting my points of everything I eat. I’m also back to exercising at least 4 days a week. I like exercise so that isn’t too bad. But I love food. I love to eat whatever I want. As I was upset about wearing a size 10, my mom tells me the average woman is a size 12 or size 14. (I did a little internet search and found that the average size of women is 14) So I’m still below average in my size. But I thought to myself, I don’t care if that’s the average woman I don’t want to be that size.
This thought has haunted me the past week. I realized that I’m giving in to the pressure that the world is putting on me on what size I should be. I’m looking at the images of famous woman and how skinny they are as to what I should look like. Well, if I’m giving in to those pressures, what are younger woman and little girls doing. Girls don’t have real sized woman role models. They have skinny woman who use sex to further their careers to look up to. I’m not saying that they actually use sex but they use sex appeal. I want to be a role model for young girls in my classroom and in my youth group. I want to be someone that girls can look up to as a real woman. I hate to think that being obsessed with the way I look and how much I weigh can affect other girls. I’m trying to have a healthy perspective. Eating more fruits and vegetables are good for you. Exercising frequently is a good habit. I hope these are the habits they see and not a woman obsessed with they way I look.
This also got me thinking about what the Bible says about our appearance. There are many verses that deal with not looking at the worldly view on things but the spiritual side. We are told to make our bodies as living sacrifices. I take this to mean to have a healthy perspective on our physical bodies. We need to do things to keep our bodies healthy but not to obsess about what they look like.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Spirtual Slump
I have been feeling like I was in a spiritual slump for the past few weeks maybe even the last month or so. Life has been so busy with getting back into starting school and a new niece being born. I haven't made time for church like I should. Then when I am there my thoughts are everywhere else. When I get stressed, my mind goes 90 to nothing and it is difficult to focus on anything. It hasn't helped that I've had some "bad" things happen involving church. The first was right before school started. We had a back to school school supply give away that only ended in disaster. There was a lady there who tried to get supplies for her 3 year old saying she was starting kindergarten. Well, I teach kindergarten and you have to be five to start. This lady was preventing kids that genuinely needed backpacks from getting one. When some people approached her about it, she got very angry. It ended with me being yelled at over it and called a low life. I don't think I've ever been called a low life before. It planed a few negative seeds in my mind and heart. Here I was doing the "Lord's work" and I got called a low life. With school starting back, this meant that some of our youth were off to college leaving a pretty large hole in the youth group. This was another negative seed in my mind. It just wasn't going to be the same with out them and school is too busy for those that are here to participate. By last week, these negative seeds had grown into full fledged plants that were choking any positiveness out of my mind. On Wednesday night, while on the van taking kids home from church, someone broke into my car and stole my purse and my lunchbox. Having someone in my car and taking my stuff has made me feel very violated and it only makes it worse that it occurred in the church parking lot. Church is suppose to be a safe place where only good things happen. Sunday I had a really difficult time going back to church.
But this got me thinking about why things like this happen. I know that it isn't God punishing me for whatever bad things I've done. These things happen sometimes to keep us away from our true calling. These things shift our focus from the positive and the amazing god we serve. But God is so good that he prevails. Last night at youth, it was a really good turn out with good discussion. I had the opportunity to talk to one of the youth one on one who I haven't a chance to talk to in a while. These youth always make me remember what is important and where my focus should be. Our lesson challenged me to think about how I was living out this Christianity I hold on to so tight.
My class at school has been extra challenging these past few weeks. They've been talking constantly and being defiant. It has been very difficult. Thinking about living out this calling to be a Christian, made me think about how I was handling my students at school. Was I trusting in God to help me through this? Was I praying for my children and praising God for them? So this morning on my way to school, I prayed for each of them by name. I'm not saying this is a miracle cure. But it is a challenge to myself. To pray for my students each day. Day 1 was better. It wasn't perfect but I found myself able to handle the frustration better and show my students more love.
So maybe if I continue this challenge, I can get out of spiritual slump.
The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.
Psalm 28:7
But this got me thinking about why things like this happen. I know that it isn't God punishing me for whatever bad things I've done. These things happen sometimes to keep us away from our true calling. These things shift our focus from the positive and the amazing god we serve. But God is so good that he prevails. Last night at youth, it was a really good turn out with good discussion. I had the opportunity to talk to one of the youth one on one who I haven't a chance to talk to in a while. These youth always make me remember what is important and where my focus should be. Our lesson challenged me to think about how I was living out this Christianity I hold on to so tight.
My class at school has been extra challenging these past few weeks. They've been talking constantly and being defiant. It has been very difficult. Thinking about living out this calling to be a Christian, made me think about how I was handling my students at school. Was I trusting in God to help me through this? Was I praying for my children and praising God for them? So this morning on my way to school, I prayed for each of them by name. I'm not saying this is a miracle cure. But it is a challenge to myself. To pray for my students each day. Day 1 was better. It wasn't perfect but I found myself able to handle the frustration better and show my students more love.
So maybe if I continue this challenge, I can get out of spiritual slump.
The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.
Psalm 28:7
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
The Crash
This summer I have been on God high. It started at Annual Conference seeing friends and enjoying worship. Then I went on a mission trip and got to see the youth experience God. Then Assembly where I got to hear amazing messages, worship freely and hang out with great youth. Now I'm back in the real world of church and I've crashed. The real world of church cannot live up to the God highs you get from all these fun activities that set you apart from the world. I'm having a really hard time with the crash.
Life in the church isn't the same as the community you created on these trips and retreats. The bottom line seems to be the most important thing discussed at meetings. You have to worry about money and how much things are going to cost. You have to worry about whether you've offended the people that give you the money. I can't help but think where is God in all this. Where is Jesus? Where is ministry in all this?
Discouraged and disillusioned, I wonder what is the point. What is the point in working hard on ministries when it is all going to questioned? What is the point when you are going to be criticized for who you are? Am I strong enough to continue on?
At first, I didn't think I was strong enough. I cried feeling a loss of the faith I had for a church I love. But then I think about the kids and the youth in the church. The ones I interact with the most. They represent optimism and hope. I think about God that I serve and the his grace and love. He has grace and love for all in the church no matter what my frustrations are. He accepts us all for who we are instead of placing the high expectations on our behavior that I do. That is the point. Serving God is not easy. It is frustrating and difficult. But life serving a gracious and loving God is better than one where you serve the world. I realize that I can't be preoccupied with what others are doing. I need to try to keep that high and live apart from the world daily. The problems I see in the real world church are my problems too and I'm not apart from them.
And he died for all , that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who dies for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one with a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:15-17
Life in the church isn't the same as the community you created on these trips and retreats. The bottom line seems to be the most important thing discussed at meetings. You have to worry about money and how much things are going to cost. You have to worry about whether you've offended the people that give you the money. I can't help but think where is God in all this. Where is Jesus? Where is ministry in all this?
Discouraged and disillusioned, I wonder what is the point. What is the point in working hard on ministries when it is all going to questioned? What is the point when you are going to be criticized for who you are? Am I strong enough to continue on?
At first, I didn't think I was strong enough. I cried feeling a loss of the faith I had for a church I love. But then I think about the kids and the youth in the church. The ones I interact with the most. They represent optimism and hope. I think about God that I serve and the his grace and love. He has grace and love for all in the church no matter what my frustrations are. He accepts us all for who we are instead of placing the high expectations on our behavior that I do. That is the point. Serving God is not easy. It is frustrating and difficult. But life serving a gracious and loving God is better than one where you serve the world. I realize that I can't be preoccupied with what others are doing. I need to try to keep that high and live apart from the world daily. The problems I see in the real world church are my problems too and I'm not apart from them.
And he died for all , that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who dies for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one with a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone and the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:15-17
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday Night Lights
I love to watch the show "Friday Night Lights." It is tv show about high school football in Texas. The main character is Coach Taylor. He's coached the team to many a state championships but this season he's coaching a new team that isn't quite up to par. In the show, he believes in his team and inspires them to overcome whatever obstacles they might be facing. It's inspirational to me to wach Coach Taylor believe in these high school youth. I love shows like these. I guess that's why I became a teacher and work with youth. I want to be someone who inspires kids and helps them to change their lives.
I was catching up on my tivo the other day and watching the latest episode of "Friday Night Lights." In this episode, Coach Taylore encourages this kid who comes from a rough part of town to give up his gun and devote himself to football. It is football that's going to get him out of the situation and the kid trusts the coach and does it. I know it's cheesy but it got me thinking. I just spent the last week with 10 high school youth on a mission trip to Sneedville, Tennessee. Sneedville is located in Hancock Co which is the poorest county in the state. I was looking forward to this trip as opportunity for seeing how much the kids could grow in this experience. I wasn't really thinking about the things that I might learn. The youth did a great job. They amazed me everyday with the things they did. There were 8 kids from the group I was with and 2 that were there on their own. The kids blended together and included everyone from the first game they played together. One of the themes of the week were finding God moments. They things they shared impressed me. One God moment for someone was listening to the problems that existed in the county and the fact that they were here to help. Another God moment was when the older lady whose house they painted said she loved us. My God moments were seeing the youth. They were the prayers they prayed when called upon and the devotion they were responsible for. I was so proud to see some of the girls speak up who don't always share what they have going on in their minds and hearts. There were tears in my eyes when one youth played his guitar and sang a song and then his brother said it was the best part of his day.
Friday Night Lights made me think that I learn as much from the youth as they could ever learn from me. They teach me how to love on a daily basis. They show their love for God in the way they interact with each other and the easy way they say I love you to each other and to me. Over the past few years, they are the ones that have shown me that to show the love I have for God I have to show the love I have for others. It is about more than just feeling it.
1 John 3:16-17 says "We know love by this, that he laid down his life for us - and we ought to lay down our lives for one another. How does God's love abide in anyone who has the world's goods and sees a brother and sisteer in need and yet refuses help?"
These young people are showing this kind of love.
I was catching up on my tivo the other day and watching the latest episode of "Friday Night Lights." In this episode, Coach Taylore encourages this kid who comes from a rough part of town to give up his gun and devote himself to football. It is football that's going to get him out of the situation and the kid trusts the coach and does it. I know it's cheesy but it got me thinking. I just spent the last week with 10 high school youth on a mission trip to Sneedville, Tennessee. Sneedville is located in Hancock Co which is the poorest county in the state. I was looking forward to this trip as opportunity for seeing how much the kids could grow in this experience. I wasn't really thinking about the things that I might learn. The youth did a great job. They amazed me everyday with the things they did. There were 8 kids from the group I was with and 2 that were there on their own. The kids blended together and included everyone from the first game they played together. One of the themes of the week were finding God moments. They things they shared impressed me. One God moment for someone was listening to the problems that existed in the county and the fact that they were here to help. Another God moment was when the older lady whose house they painted said she loved us. My God moments were seeing the youth. They were the prayers they prayed when called upon and the devotion they were responsible for. I was so proud to see some of the girls speak up who don't always share what they have going on in their minds and hearts. There were tears in my eyes when one youth played his guitar and sang a song and then his brother said it was the best part of his day.
Friday Night Lights made me think that I learn as much from the youth as they could ever learn from me. They teach me how to love on a daily basis. They show their love for God in the way they interact with each other and the easy way they say I love you to each other and to me. Over the past few years, they are the ones that have shown me that to show the love I have for God I have to show the love I have for others. It is about more than just feeling it.
1 John 3:16-17 says "We know love by this, that he laid down his life for us - and we ought to lay down our lives for one another. How does God's love abide in anyone who has the world's goods and sees a brother and sisteer in need and yet refuses help?"
These young people are showing this kind of love.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Is it worth it?
My life has changed a lot in the past few years. I spend a lot of time reflecting on this because it blows my mind. I can't believe the person I am now. I can't believe where my life has taken me. It is so different than where I ever thought I would be. Most of the time I'm happy with where I am and the choices that I've made. But sometimes I can't help but think, is it worth it?
In a week, I will turn 29. Only one more year in my 20s. I use to think I would be married by this point in my life and maybe even have kids. But I'm no where near that point. My grandmother recently told me that if I wasn't careful I would turn out to be an old maid. If I didn't stop spending so much time with the kids and find a man all the young ones would be taken. She doesn't agree with my choices to live in the small town of Gatlinburg and to throw myself into church and youth activities. She doesn't understand how I've drifted apart from people that I was so close to in my other life. I let this cause doubts about my life and my choices. It didn't help that I met some freinds from this other life and it wasn't what I thought it would be at all. I didn't feel like I could be myself or that we were even friends anymore. I sat in my car and cried after this. I couldn't help thinking, Is it worth it? Is being a part of church and youth costing me too much?
I left for Annual Conference at Lake Junaluska with all these doubts and fears floating around in my head. I doubted that what I was doing was even worth it. I doubted if what I felt last year as a calling was even real. I felt like I didn't have any friends and that I was all alone. But those feelings were pushed aside as I was reminded of what I love most about being a Methodist. That I am connected with all these people from Southern Virginia to Northern Georgia. From the moment, I got to Annual Conference I began to see friends and experience the God I serve. I have never been one to be emotional. I don't worship in an emotional way and don't really understand the need people have to raise their arms up when singing. I'm not judging. It's just not anything I've ever experienced at least until this night. The last song the praise band played was "The Stand." When they got to the lyrics, "So I'll stand with my arms held high and heart abandonded, in awe of the one who gave it all, so I'll stand with my soul Lord to you surrendered, all I am is yours," I found my arms in the air and tears in my eyes. I realized that it was worth it. That my life wasn't the same and it never would be. That I serve an amazing God and that giving all I have to him was what I was called to do. I've been struggling the past year trying to figure out what that means. What it means to give all I have to God. I realized that it means your life isn't your own and that things will never be the same. It also means that I'm not alone. I have God, the father, God, the son, and God the holy spirit with me always. It means that I have all these people that I'm connected with because of him. They may not be the friends I've had forever or that I went through college with but the bond is deeper and stronger.
So yes it is worth losing an old life to serve God in this new life.
"Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the father, we too may live a new life. " Romans 6:3-4
In a week, I will turn 29. Only one more year in my 20s. I use to think I would be married by this point in my life and maybe even have kids. But I'm no where near that point. My grandmother recently told me that if I wasn't careful I would turn out to be an old maid. If I didn't stop spending so much time with the kids and find a man all the young ones would be taken. She doesn't agree with my choices to live in the small town of Gatlinburg and to throw myself into church and youth activities. She doesn't understand how I've drifted apart from people that I was so close to in my other life. I let this cause doubts about my life and my choices. It didn't help that I met some freinds from this other life and it wasn't what I thought it would be at all. I didn't feel like I could be myself or that we were even friends anymore. I sat in my car and cried after this. I couldn't help thinking, Is it worth it? Is being a part of church and youth costing me too much?
I left for Annual Conference at Lake Junaluska with all these doubts and fears floating around in my head. I doubted that what I was doing was even worth it. I doubted if what I felt last year as a calling was even real. I felt like I didn't have any friends and that I was all alone. But those feelings were pushed aside as I was reminded of what I love most about being a Methodist. That I am connected with all these people from Southern Virginia to Northern Georgia. From the moment, I got to Annual Conference I began to see friends and experience the God I serve. I have never been one to be emotional. I don't worship in an emotional way and don't really understand the need people have to raise their arms up when singing. I'm not judging. It's just not anything I've ever experienced at least until this night. The last song the praise band played was "The Stand." When they got to the lyrics, "So I'll stand with my arms held high and heart abandonded, in awe of the one who gave it all, so I'll stand with my soul Lord to you surrendered, all I am is yours," I found my arms in the air and tears in my eyes. I realized that it was worth it. That my life wasn't the same and it never would be. That I serve an amazing God and that giving all I have to him was what I was called to do. I've been struggling the past year trying to figure out what that means. What it means to give all I have to God. I realized that it means your life isn't your own and that things will never be the same. It also means that I'm not alone. I have God, the father, God, the son, and God the holy spirit with me always. It means that I have all these people that I'm connected with because of him. They may not be the friends I've had forever or that I went through college with but the bond is deeper and stronger.
So yes it is worth losing an old life to serve God in this new life.
"Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the father, we too may live a new life. " Romans 6:3-4
Monday, June 7, 2010
Amazing Grace
I don't know how many times I've sung "Amazing Grace" in my life. I've sung the words, "I once was lost, but now I'm found," numerous times without really understanding what that means. I don't know if I realized I'm found until last night. I was running and thinking about my best friend. She moved to a new place last September and has been having a hard time finding her place. I understand where she is coming from. When I moved back home I was so lost. I came home to get away from all kinds of drama going on in my life. I threw myself into church. I threw myself into helping with the youth and doing whatever I could at church. I was trying to lose myself in all that. I was trying to forget all the craziness and pain that I felt in my life. I know that I've grown a lot and changed a lot in the past three years. I'm not the same person I was when I moved back home. But it wasn't til last night, that I realized that I was found. I am happy with my life and I feel complete. It's love that completes me. But not love from a husband or a boyfriend, but love from God. The realization that what God does is mostly love us. I'm complete because of that love. I'm found because of that love.
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